i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
