Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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