i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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