And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My dad just said "fuck circus"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
