If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
