So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
