Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
