Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
