God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
