I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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