The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
