Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
