SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
