Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
