My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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