my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
