I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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