Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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