he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
