He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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