The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
