I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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