Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Everyone says I win the strip club
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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