she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You need a sexual gate keeper
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
