Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
