I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
