If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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