Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
