i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
