Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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