More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
