Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
