I looked at my own cervix.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
