So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
