When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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