when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
