Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
