Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
