At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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