I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
