the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
