mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
