You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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