covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
