so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
