question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So many bounce houses so little time
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
