Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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