i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
