I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
