you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
