I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He shit in the fireplace
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
